Wednesday, January 21, 2015

I'll be at Costco

A few months ago Costco had an amazing membership deal.

I acknowledged: 1) said membership is unnecessary for a family of less than eleven. 2) one doesn't need to buy 87 rolls of toilet paper at once. 3) my kitchen is used but rarely.

I then concluded that buying things in incredibly large portions is an idea so American as to make joining Costco a patriotic act.

Since that day, my life has reached an unprecedented degree of efficiency, preparedness and stability. People who go to Costco never run out of anything! Instead of grocery store avoidance induced tuna sandwich marathons, I now push a massive cart around a warehouse with increasing excitement about savings, vast reservoirs of food, and questions about average timelines for consuming 5 pounds of spinach.

I also now eat an obscene amount of hummus. We're all sick of the traditional containers in which hummus is sold. They're little more than moderate single servings. Costco sells hummus in large vats, fit for a king. (If excessive hummus consumption causes any health problems, I'll be dying shortly.)

My only complaint is confusion over proper restocking procedures. Shopping at Costco induces a weird prepper mentality, and buying things by the crate muddles perspective.  If current supply is at less than 50% capacity, it's time to buy more! I recently panicked about my bean reserves and bought another case. I still had 4 cans. Now I have 20 and am loosing patience with beans.

But all things considered, grocery shopping is fun again. Buying 10 pounds of baking soda is a small adventure of confidence in the earth's survival. And even should such boldness prove misdirected, consumers are still to be applauded for having it.

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