Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I am so old.

An old saying dating back to the founding fathers says, 'Everything you need to know about a person can be determined by their mail.'

'No, idiot. I just made that up what are you, 5?'

I'm rude and crotchety because my mail is telling me it's all over.  I'm old and boring. 

As a young child I remember visiting both my grandmother and great aunt and being very impressed by their mail.  Organizations were continually sending them 'free' stuff in exchange for a suggested donation. My love for office supplies, stationary products and address labels was tortuously whetted by the envelopes they received containing monogrammed tablets with puppies on them, or return labels covered with roses.  Getting letters was a childhood highlight and I really wanted the Red Cross, Veterans Foundation and Humane Society to send me their nice things via post.

Now I know more about these mailings.  Only senior citizens get them.
So you can imagine my concern upon receiving one. 

It was from a native american reservation school in North Dakota and they sent an unacceptable amount of junk.  There were at least 10 things in this envelope, the crown jewel of which was a 'handmade' dream catcher which I immediately hung in my room. 

Second piece of evidence. 

Despite several efforts to the reverse, I am somehow on an e-blast list for Country Life.  Below is a revolting photo from one of their e-mails. 

Do they think they're hitting their demographic by sending this to me? If so, why?
I don't understand.  Although I do look nice in baby blue.

Third incident is unrelated to mail.

The other day at work I told someone to, 'Holler if you need help.'  

Ummmm what? Really. Holler? Who says holler.  Old people.  That's who says holler.      

At around the age of 13 one of my friends told me I'll make a very nice old lady.  She's probably clearly right, but based on the above evidence I'll be turning into a 'my sore ankle predicts the weather' type rather than the 'I'm an 80 year old iron man competitor' type. 

Oh what to do???  So far I've just bought some motorcycle boots.  They went a long way towards solving the problem.  In fact, they solved two problems: 1- being old and boring and 2- not having motorcycle boots. 

Here is a picture of them:


  1. Excellent. Problem number two is really the issue that was needed to be solved.

    Live long and not boring!

  2. Oh girl. I'm sure the cowboy boots helped. If I could stop getting old people junk mail, too, that would be great. But a dreamcatcher?! Sign me UP!

  3. Was I the friend who said that? I think it was me.. at least I was there when it was said. I do stand by it, but I think you have a ways to go, however new boots are always a good idea!