Friday, June 14, 2013

News Bulletin 27

Iranians are voting for a president right now and many are saying they would like the new president to fix the economy and improve relations with the world. At this moment literally every one in the world has thrown up their hands in relief at finally being provided with such a succinct summary of their desires.

The CIA is poised to make a major computing system decision, awarding a contract to either IBM or Amazon. This would be a huge coup for Amazon, made possible by the rise of cloud computing. CIA sources close to the decision say they are mostly excited to befuddle their captors during upcoming terrorist interrogations with statements like, 'I'm being serious, the data is on the cloud.' American shoppers are looking forward to purchasing CIA information online, although Amazon reps state, 'At least initially, these info packages will be quite costly.'

Russia and the U.S. are in a fight because the U.S. has decided to arm the opposition in Syria after determining Assad has resorted to using chemical weapons against the rebel army. Russia says the U.S. is wrong about the chemical weapons, and is threatening to deliver air defense missiles to Assad. Russia and the U.S. have presented a united front to Syria, however, saying 'This is not your fault and we both care for you very much. We just aren't getting along very well right now.'